Shut Up Evan 2024 Gift Guide
Just what the world needed: Another gift guide!
Circle of honesty: I, myself, find decreasing dividends from the utilitarian appeal of a gift guide these days. Too often you’re dealing with affiliate linking gumming up the works, not enough consumer testing to validate the suggestion or, as Lauren Sherman noted in a recent Line Sheet, many of the remaining gift-guide writers care more about the volume than quality of their sales. In that sense, maybe my truthfulness is becoming… or perhaps it only serves to spotlight my hypocritical ways. You decide. I got a big response after last year’s gift guide, so I thought why not do it again? I’ve tested everything on this list myself with one important caveat: While I am not making money from any of these suggestions, some of them were gifted to me. So while I am vouching for their appeal and desirability, I cannot vouch for their cost to necessity ratio.
This is a hugely discerning factor in how I shop these days. Some factors that I care most about: what’s it made out of, how long the brand has been around, will it last and can this work in more than one environment. For instance, if I’m shopping for furniture, I’m never going to buy something on the basis of it looking good with my current configuration. I need to be able to imagine it in a future space, likely a bigger space, God willing, that I hope to one day occupy. Anything I buy (and by proxy gift) I want to serve a purpose or a function, sure, but what I’m really looking for is something that ticks the box of thoughtfulness or (ideally and) X-factor.
I’m not big on “stuff.” I have a consumerist nature that often finds me having to curb an impulse to buy things I know I don’t need. But enough about me! Onto the gifts.
”Holding Space” tee - $27
An obvious first choice.
Dieux Skincare Baptism Gel Cleanser - $34
The most-replied-about brand when I put the ask out for suggestions for this guide. I tried it out and recommend the cleanser. Always a cleanser over a moisturizer for gifting, I say.
Katz Deli Candle (Chocolate Egg Cream Scented) - $25
I’m not big on candle gifting, but if going down that route (and it’s a go-to for a reason), I prefer kitschy over luxury.
Hot Coffee Erogenous Butt Scrub - $29
Nobody was ever worse off for having a better-smelling butt.
Harlem-opoly Game - $62
This gift shop in Harlem is an area staple, highlights POC-owned businesses, ships nationwide and is so frickin’ cute.
Boy Vienna Cigarette Incense - $32
Dual purpose = high yield.
Call Me By Your Name Woven Sweater - $220
[Very Dorinda voice] Important.
Tushy Portable Bidet - $17
Practical but also gaggy and, best of all, affordable.
Edie Parker Candle One-Hitter - $35
One hitters need a resurgence and this candle could help spark the match.
Bitterman's Cacio e Pepe Salt - $14
Luxury sea salt will always scratch an itch. I say go with a specific flavor as it feels more decisive, and even if the person you’re gifting it to doesn’t like it, they can set it out at dinner parties or when they have friends over.
Chai Starter Kit - $30
I’m a big proponent of most “starter kits” for gifting, so long as they’re reasonably priced!
Collina Strada Rhinestone Organic Socks - $75
One size fits all clothing is not ideal; it’s necessary, and everyone needs socks.
Circa 1970 Luxury Face Oil - $110
The end all be all of face oil. I swear by this stuff. I’d drink it, if it wasn’t, y’know, face oil.
Carissa’s Coffee Beans - $43
My second-favorite coffee beans around (and my #1 that ships!). These are a mandate — if not for gifting, then just for yourself.
Mawa Pant Hanger - $32
No more wire hangers!
George New Orleans Pink Marble Pillow Case - $180
Discovered these during a recent trip to the Hotel Saint Vincent in New Orleans and immediately snatched up a set at the gift shop.
Therabody Eye Massager - $149
I know this isn’t a subversive suggestion, but I honestly have found my way into a mediation practice thanks to having these.
Heart-shaped La Creuset - $220
Gorgeous and practical and great to have as stove decoration.
Louis Vuitton Dog Leash - $590
Very Charlotte York-ian.
Big is Moving to Paris Ashtray - $35
Speaking of the Sex and the City-averse. I’m not advocating for smoking (even though I kinda did earlier in the list), but you need this ashtray.
A24 Movie Chocolate Gift Set - $33
Love A24 merch, and I love these newly-launched chocolates.
Charli XCX Hot Girl Tee - $40
Need I explain?
The Substance Activator Mubi x Super Yaki Water Bottle - $40
Pop culture nods are fun, but ones that are also practical? Rare sweet spot.
Sofia Coppola Archive - $65
Sofia Coppola supremacy.
Marc Jacobs x Wizard of Oz Wallet - $175
Duh!
Love Is Blind “Golden Goblet” - $31
Everything tastes better in a goblet.
Meredith Marks YCL Hoodie -$59
This is couture-adjacent.
Roots x Wicked Cardigan - $138
Adorable and surprisingly not overpriced.
Jo Malone Sampler - $98
Love a sampler. If it were me gifting, I’d go ahead and buy the person the English Pear & Freesia and do the sampler with it to show a sense of knowing the person (or thinking you know them) but leaving room for “just in case…”
La Mer Moisturizer - $100+
It’s storied for a reason.
Hatch Night Light Clock - $170
This stupid-ass thing OMG.
NODPOD Weighted Sleep Mask - $34
I hate this, but it’s a go-to.
The Monogram Shop Tote East Hampton - $190
Monogrammed anything, tbh.
Hermes Nail Files - $57
Close enough to a Birkin.
Chanel Hand Cream - $62
Lux.
Oura Ring - $500
Lady Gaga wore this. So it’s good enough for me.
Ralph’s Coffee Cup and Dish - $45
It’s the dish for me.
The Ritz-Carlton Light Blue V-Neck Jumper - $380
So decadent.
Caroline Kennedy Fashion Coffee Table Book - $65
A coffee table book you’ll actually want to open.
Midwest Princess Snapback Hat (Camo) - $30
Critical to any gay person’s wardrobe.