Remembering Lesbian Samantha Jones
“Samantha decided, if she was going to be gay, she’d be gay all the way.”
On May 29th, Miranda Hobbes declared, “I’m a lesbian” to her son’s former babysitter at a lesbian bar while sipping on a phony negroni. Hours later, she’d take a nun’s virginity. I should have known Pride Month was looming. Leave it then to the New York Mets to alert me that it was, indeed, Pride Month. “Happy Pride Month! Baseball is for everyone,” they tweeted with six hearts, one each color of the rainbow.
I found it both cringey and sweet; arbitrary and meaningful. It’s not that I don’t know June 1st is the official kick-off, but something about the malaise of late May combined with the lobotomized state induced by the And Just Like That premiere had me unaware of the transition of seasons. I also blame the quieting of corporate Pride, something I have conflicting feelings about (a theme). But alas, here we are.
And while lesbian Miranda is currently hot to go, I wanted to rewind the tape to Samantha’s brief but memorable journey into Gayville in Season 3 of the original series. The girls were all in attendance at Charlotte’s gallery for the opening of an exhibit by Maria Diega Reyes, played by Brazilian actress Sônia Braga. “I have a bone to pick with you,” Samantha tells her. “I came ready to buy and, look, all these red dots… there’s nothing left.” Lucky for them both, Maria has plenty more in her loft and invites Samantha to come over and take a look. Then Samantha asks a quintessentially Samantha question: “Where are all the hot guys?” Maria’s ex interrupts the conversation to give her a kiss and congratulate her. “About the hot guys… no hot guys,” Maria tells her. “That’s good for you, but what’s in it for me?” Samantha responds. They both chuckle.
Later, Samantha shows up to Maria’s to buy some art and is instead presented with the opportunity to make some art. They’re washing their hands together in the sink when Maria begins washing Samantha’s hands in a pre-seduction ritual. “I’ve done the girl thing,” Samantha tells her, backing away. “Once, twice, usually involving a guy and a couple of Quaaludes. And it was nice, really, and really nice for the guy, but I’m not a relationship person. And you’re really something. Can we be friends?” Maria agrees.
Later, after an argument between Samantha and Mr. Big that Maria witnesses, the two ladies convene in the bathroom where Samantha has gone to decompress. Maria, having witnessed the kind of staunch support system that is Samantha Jones, tells her that she lied and is incapable of just being friends. Carrie, via voiceover, tells us that “right then and there, Samantha decided to let down her boundaries, and opened herself up to the possibility of a relationship… with a woman.” And thus begins what would be a three-part arc — Samantha’s longest with any character outside of Richard Wright and Smith Jerrod — of Samantha romancing Maria. It was never about her lack of interest or experience dating outside of her preferred gender. Instead, the show framed it as Samantha, the commitment-phobe, overcoming her fear of true intimacy. For a show that often gets retroactively dinged for its depiction of bisexuality, this was a strong moment in support of its progressiveness.
Next episode, Samantha announces her relationship to the girls, announcing, “Yes ladies, I’m a lesbian.”
The ladies are all visibly miffed. “How does that work: You go to bed one night, you wake up the next morning and poof, you’re a lesbian?” Carrie asks the AJLT trio after they all leave Samantha. “Oh, I forgot to tell you: I’m a fire hydrant,” Miranda jokes in response. “I don’t think she’s a lesbian, I think she just ran out of men,” Charlotte concludes. “Then you go on strike, you don’t eat pussy,” Miranda says, in a line I wish she’d have referenced in her own parallel declaration 24 years later. Later, when Samantha calls Carrie to express her dismay about their judgement, she tells her that “this is not about being gay or straight,” and defends Maria’s character saying that she’s got passion, talent, intelligence… “and a vagina,” Carrie adds. “Oh, vagina schmagina,” Samantha responds. “The truth is: I really want it to be special the first time.”
Cut to the first time! “Samantha decided, if she was going to be gay, she’d be gay all the way,” Carrie tells us via voiceover while the two share a strawberry on the floor of Maria’s candlelit apartment.
“I may not be much in the kitchen, but I’m more than enough in the bedroom,” Samantha tells Maria as she begins to go down on her. Moments later, Maria taps her on the head, telling her it’s not working for her. Perplexed by the response, Samantha is then schooled in love-making, something she takes to like a pro. “Did you know that when a vagina gets engorged, it expands to the size of a fist?” she tells the ladies the next morning at breakfast, illuminating them about a woman’s three holes (not counting her mouth!) and how there are some places a dick just can’t go!
“The most important thing is that Maria has taught me how to connect during sex. It’s not just some animal act. It’s about two people making love.”
Later that night, just as Samantha thought she had learned everything there was to know about women, Maria ejaculated on Samantha’s face. “Was that good or bad?” Samantha asked, perplexed. “That was very good,” Maria assured her. With a big grin on her face, Samantha lay back hands behind her head, pleased with herself having successfully pleased her partner. She appeared to be at her happiest place: post-orgasm.
By the start of her third and final act in the land of the lesbians, Samantha is growing tired. She suggests not inviting Maria to a night out, saying she could use a break from the ‘ole ball and chain. “Don’t tell me you’re in a sapphic slump,” Carrie tells her, to which Samantha responds that all they ever do is lie around, take baths together and talk about feelings. She’s exhausted! Samantha tries to spice things up by taking Maria out, but when an old suitor of Samantha’s approaches (one she’s still tantalized by), Maria’s jealousy starts to erode any plans for a fun night.
In our penultimate — and by far most impactful — encounter with Maria, the pair are awoken in the night by the same suitor who tried to get with Samantha earlier in the night. It’s 3am, he’s horny and wanting a quickie with his dependable fuck buddy. That fuck buddy is, unfortunately for him, out of commission at the moment. This incites Samantha and Maria’s first, biggest and only fight, one that crescendos with Maria taking the plates from the drying rack and throwing them on the floor. She then proceeds to take more plates, all of Samantha’s plates, and throw them on the floor. “You don’t even cook!” she tells Samantha in her fit of rage.
The boil comes to a simmer two days later when Maria stops by the apartment. She’s ready to move forward, and as such, brings Samantha a strap-on as a peace offering. They try it out, it’s fun, but it doesn’t solve the chief issue of their incompatibility. “Maria thinks I have intimacy issues,” she tells the girls. “I tried. I really did. But I’m not a relationship person. I told her from the start, didn’t I? And then she has to go and fall in love with me? What the fuck! I need a drink. Would it be bad to have a martini with my muscle relaxant? Or bad in a good way?” And thus concludes Samantha’s brief, but memorable, foray into lesbian dating.
“Do you hope, as I do, that Miranda and Samantha are texting? And maybe Miranda is reaching out to Samantha for some insight and support as she explores her sexuality?” That was a question posed to Cynthia Nixon during a recent interview with Attitude Magazine. “No, I don’t,” Nixon responded with a laugh. I get it. There’s a lot of love lost between Kim Cattrall and the series, as heavily chronicled over the years. But I couldn’t help but wonder what Samantha’s response would have been to Miranda’s journey in a territory so familiar for Samantha. Of course, we’ll never know. All we’ll have is the memory of Miranda asking Samantha how a strap-on works (“is it belted?”) as a precursor to her sex with Che Diaz all those years later. And that’s a memory I won’t soon forget.