Oscars 2024: O'Hara Should've Hosted, Cena's Modesty Pouch, and Other Memorable Moments

She tore! She = Emma Stone’s dress.

Nothing out of the ordinary, really, happened during the 96th Academy Awards. “It was a mostly lovely, delightful, pretty boring night,” Bowen Yang remarked on Late Night With Seth Meyers. Messi, the Border Collie of Anatomy of a Fall fame, made it to the Oscars (despite fear he might not), so I guess that was something. There were some memorable speeches (Da’Vine Joy Randolph, Jonathan Glazer), but none at the “you like me… you like me!” level. Nobody was awarded a statue then told “there’s been a mistake” live on stage. Even Emma Stone’s so-called “upset” was predicted by many. Worst of all? The memes weren’t really meme-ing. From the red carpet interviews (where we got nary a viral moment) to host Jimmy Kimmel’s subdued approach to the fashions being rather glam-yet-uneventful, the ceremony failed to capture the magic that Nicole Kidman once spoke of. Worst of all, Bradley Cooper’s promised “hard launch” of his relationship with Gigi Hadid failed to materialize.

All in all, the Oscars seemed to suffer from coming too late in the game. With awards season becoming increasingly digested by those outside the industry (Netflix live streaming the Screen Actors Guild Awards for the first time ever, for instance), I feel a collective fatigue has grown in seeing the same celebrities scurrying around in pretty dresses at awards show after awards show with a pretty status quo line-up of winners. Even Da’Vine Joy Randolph’s win lacked the energy it might have possessed had we not watched her pick up awards on stage at the Gotham Awards, Screen Actors Guild Awards, Independent Spirit Awards, Golden Globe Awards, Critics' Choice Awards and British Academy Film Awards, among others.

Still, this is the Oscars! And an uneventful show doesn’t mean nothing at all happened. I’m not jumping out of my seat or levitating on the ceiling, but there’s still much to discuss about the night. So with that said, let’s get to it. We must, of course, start with the lewks.

Best dressed 

Best: Jodie Foster in Loewe, Lupita Nyong’o in Armani Privé, Hunter Schafer in Bottega Veneta, Morgan Spector in Helmut Lang, Michelle Yeoh in Balenciaga, Kirsten Dunst in Gucci, Damson Idris in Prada, Carey Mulligan in Balenciaga, Rebecca Hall in Erdem and (you didn't think I’d forgotten, did you?) Greta Lee in Loewe.

Greta Lee in Loewe. Duh!

I’m a bit archived out, if I’m being honest. Margot in Mugler. Kendall in Margiela. Jennifer Lawrence in Givenchy. We get it, your stylists can pull. But as Dionne Warwick once sang: “What’s it all about?” 

Lately, it’s a lot of “here’s a look from this collection that had its runway debut 15 minutes ago and they had to airlift this dress here on a Gulfstream G150 and sew this actress into the gown” or “this piece hasn’t EVER been seen since its runway debut decades ago.” And while both are impressive, their emerging ubiquity has started to make even them feel status quo. One wonders: What’s next? If not past, if not the future, ah yes: The present. Thank goodness for Chloë Sevigny in Simone Rocha, Adwoa Aboah in Marni, Florence Pugh in Del Core, Chloe Bailey in Robert Wun and others who injected a sense of this moment in time.

Catherine O’Hara did the thing

While host Jimmy Kimmel was certainly adequate, Catherine O’Hara (who was joined by her former and upcoming Beetlejuice co-star Michael Keaton to present Best Production Design and Best Makeup and Hairstyling) made it clear she deserved the gig during a rousing back and forth with Keaton. “We actors can't imagine a world without makeup, hairstyling, and production design,” she explained. “Oh no, no. The last thing we want is anyone to know what we really look like. Or the squalor in which we actually live.” 

Keaton piped in: “You know, on almost every new job, there’s an immediate intimacy with the good people in the makeup and hair trailer... you meet them to discuss the character's look, and before you know it, they're plucking your nose hairs.” “Or rubbing foundation into your cleavage,” O'Hara added. “Or spackling the 11 holes in your skull from the teenage mishap with a nail gun,” Keaton continued. “If I had a nickel!” O’Hara exclaimed, earning one of the biggest laughs from the audience of the night.

It wasn’t even that funny of a line, but there was something about the glimmer in O’Hara’s eye that signaled, “I’m ready.” It’s going to be a big year ahead for O’Hara, who will next star in Beetlejuice 2 and Season 2 of The Last of Us.

I say we have her and Aidy Bryant host next year’s ceremony.

Past winners introducing each acting category

“Hush!!!!” Or maybe it was more expletive-filled. But I said something to that effect to the crowd around me while watching the show when early on in the telecast, the curtain went up to reveal Mary Steenburgen, Lupita Nyong'o, Jamie Lee Curtis, Rita Moreno and Regina King to present Best Supporting Actress.

It had the grandeur and panache many like me expect from this show. It was also incredibly and extremely gay. In fact, it was so gay that when the men appeared — Sam Rockwell, Tim Robbins, Ke Huy Quan, Christoph Waltz and Mahershala Ali — to present Best Supporting Actor, it felt like an immediate filler slot as we waited for Best Actress.

This set-up, first rolled out in 2009, was able to celebrate the award show’s past, create a vibrant visual motif and give a little extra love to the nominees beyond a :10 clip from their film. Some instances (Rita Moreno) were more effective than others (Jennifer Lawrence), but overall it gave a shine to the night and helped situate the Oscars as a members-only club that had invited us all to witness the induction of its newest members that night. Not only did it induce gay gasps, it garnered many a headline: “Michelle Yeoh Says She ‘Confused’ Emma Stone When Handing Over Her Best Actress Oscar - Here’s Why” and “Robert Downey Jr. Slammed for Snubbing Ke Huy Quan While Accepting Oscar.”

John Cena — and his modesty pouch

When Kimmel invoked the naked man who ran on stage 50 years ago at the Oscars while David Niven was introducing Elizabeth Taylor, I was excited to see peen. “Can you imagine if a nude man ran across the stage today?” Kimmel asked the crowd. “I said, ‘Can you imagine if a nude man ran across the stage today?’ Wouldn’t that be crazy?” This gave way to a bit in which a timid-acting John Cena poked his head out from backstage. “I changed my mind,” Cena meekly declared. “I don’t want to do the streaker bit. I just don’t feel right about it. It’s an elegant event, you know. You should feel shame right now for suggesting such a tasteless joke.”

Finally convinced, he appeared on stage “naked,” with nothing but an envelope covering his sausage. The gag was that he couldn’t announce the winner without moving the envelope and therefore showing his penis, a penis he once said got “accidental boners” while fighting in the WWE ring. The only problem with the bit? Cena’s visible modesty pouch.

If you’re going to reference the infamous streaker, why not do the bare minimum and be naked? Many are also wondering why male nudity, or in this instance implied male nudity, is played for laughs. “John Cena's skit at the Academy Awards underscores an intractable gender imbalance, even as it gets legitimate laughs,” wrote the New York Times. I think we redo the bit next year and have the boys from that Euphoria locker scene (you know the one) replace Cena.

Dolce & Gabbana-palooza

At this point, most red carpets, but especially the Oscars, are glorified marketing budgets on full, unfettered display. While it used to be talent-centric, it has increasingly skewed numbers-centric, with many of the larger brands vying for headcount as opposed to servation. Who took the win in that regard? Louis Vuitton, of course. I counted eight looks on the red carpet: Emma Stone, Da’Vine Joy Randolph, Teo Yoo, Bradley Cooper, Justine Triet, Cynthia Erivo, Colman Domingo and Ava DuVernay. Gucci, too, made their presence known, outfitting Ryan Gosling, Lily Gladstone, Greta Gerwig, Kirsten Dunst, Kingsley Ben-Adir, Amelia Dimoldenberg and Grace Gummer. 

Who came in third? Dolce & Gabbana, of course, the once-canceled brand who’s shrewdly attempted to regain footing by throwing boatloads of money and effectively using celebrities to conceal its scandal-ridden past. Danielle Brooks, Paul Giamatti, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jessica Lange and The Rock showed up to Hollywood’s biggest stage wearing the brand, while Emily Blunt, Allison Williams and Ice Spice were dripping in head to toe D&G at the Vanity Fair Oscar party. As Yolanda Foster once proclaimed on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills while having her silicone breast implants removed: “I have never suffered this deeply in my life.”

Dream cigarette rotation

I once smoked a cigarette with Jacob Elordi outside the Met Gala, so I’m uniquely qualified to tell you that the coolest celebrities smoke cigarettes, sorry to say. The coolest of the cool will smoke a cigarette with you while telling you they’re going to quit. But nothing evokes a Christian Slater in Heathers-level cool factor quite like a roster of A-listers smoking cigs outside of an event. And that’s why this latest addition to the canon, featuring Kirsten Dunst and husband Jesse Plemons with Anatomy of a Fall director Justine Treit and star Swann Arlaud, plus May December producer Sophie Mas, is immediate dopamine. It’s not “you can’t sit with us” energy so much as it is “you can sit, but we’ll be standing and chain smoking cigarettes…. so do with that what you will.”

Ken’s last stand

Rounding out what is surely one of the longest press cycles of our lifetime, Best Actor and Best Original Song nominee Ryan Gosling did his first-ever (and only-ever?) live performance of the Barbie hit “I’m Just Ken.” The number, which featured many of his Barbie co-stars including Simu Liu, Kingsley Ben-Adir and Ncuti Gatwa, was a necessary injection of humor within a night that seemed resolute on taking itself seriously. Did I find it “somehow even better than expected” like some? Not so much. More accurately, I’d say it was exactly what I expected in that the 65 male dancers backing him up had been all but confirmed by Deadline in the lead-up. Not to mention the entire premise of the song belies the humor Gosling gamely brought to the performance. 

Gosling performing with the aforementioned 65 male dancers.

Did I appreciate the nod to Marilyn Monroe’s hot pink dress designed by William "Billy" Travilla in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes? *very Gia Gunn voice* Absolutely. And credit where credit’s due to stylist Mark Avery. But am I ready to put Barbie to bed? *very Tokyo Toni voice* Well yes!

Robert Downey Jr. vs. Jimmy Kimmel

Robert Downey Jr. really made a snack out of the night, picking up his first Academy Award and starting drama (see above) left and right. This instance, which happened at the top of the night, wasn’t exactly a gloves-off moment, but it was the closest we got to discord during the show. I don’t think it’s a commentary on Kimmel lobbing softballs as much as it is an audience that seemed more incredulous than your typical award show crowd. 

“This is the highest point of Robert Downey Jr.’s long and illustrious career,” Kimmel joked before adding, “Well, one of the highest points,” referencing Downey Jr.’s past. Downey Jr. didn’t seem to find the bit too funny, instead pointing at his nose, indicating the joke’s obviousness. “Was that too on the nose or is that a drug motion you made?” Kimmel added. Unwilling to give up, Kimmel kept going. “I mean, look at this guy. He’s so handsome and talented. He’s won every award there is to win. Is that an acceptance speech in your pocket or do you just have a very rectangular penis?” The crowd laughed, but the tonal imbalance marked a night that never quite found the gas to cook with. 

Billie’s song not quite hitting

I was mid to high on Billie Eilish’s “What Was I Made For?” until I heard her do it live at the Grammy Awards last month. It was then that the song finally clicked for me and I understood the hoopla. In that moment, the song apexed. But like so much of this awards season, Sunday’s performance felt like retreading on deeply familiar territory (Eilish also performed the song on Saturday Night Live in December). Eilish both sounded and looked great and earned her second Grammy, no questions asked, but the song’s impact, similar to Randolph’s speech, was lessened by monotony — by no fault of her own.

Good speeches? Not here.

That’s harsh, I know. But we didn’t get much that stuck. Sure, Emma made a memorable joke about her dress (“Hoo boy, my dress is broken… I think it happened during 'I’m Just Ken'”) and Da’Vine celebrated self-determination (“I always wanted to be different, but now I realize that I just need to be myself”), but there were very few moments that got the crowd around the winner’s finger á la Niecy Nash-Betts at the Emmys last month. 

Obviously, there was director Jonathan Glazer’s speech in which he denounced the “occupation” and violence in Israel and Gaza, stating: “Whether the victims of October the seventh in Israel or the ongoing attack on Gaza, all the victims of this dehumanization, how do we resist?” We’ll get into the cognitive dissonance in Thursday’s newsletter, but for now, we'll just say: The response was polarizing. “His speech was a moment of moral courage,” wrote Time Magazine’s Judy Berman. Others called him a self-hating Jew. Still, outside of Glazer’s speech, notable as the only person during the ceremony to recognize the ongoing conflict, this wasn’t a big year for teary-eyed, saccharine, sweet or even surprising speeches.

[Redacted] needs a new stylist, immediately

I’ll let you fill in the blank. There’s several.