The Triumph Of Dakota Johnson's 'Madame Web' Press Tour
AKA my new favorite filmé.
Madame Web (which must be pronounced as “muh+DAAM,” my friends and I concluded), the new Marvel-adjacent superhero film starring Dakota Johnson as a clairvoyant NYC Fire Department paramedic who might be unable to open a can of soda has a reported budget of $80 million.
If that entire budget was in service of the latest Dakota Johnson press tour, to that I say: money well spent. Because if there's one thing about Dakota Johnson — and there are 17 things at least, mind you — it’s that she’s gonna say something nutty. Another thing — not number two on the list, but like… number six or seven: She’s gonna have no idea that she said something nutty and then, number 14-ish, I’d say, is that she’ll attempt to understand the fascination with the nutty thing she said and in doing so, say something that’s again nutty, sometimes even nuttier. And, like clockwork, the cycle begins anew.
It’s a quality that mercifully finds its way into this film — a film I will review on Thursday. “Dakota Johnson's acting style comes from her dedication to honesty and transparency,” writes one Twitter user. “She builds in layers of meticulous uncomfortable artifice to remind the audience they are not witnessing reality, but artists hard at work building a narrative.” If only Johnson possessed the same capabilities as her character, Cassandra Webb, she’d be able to see into the future and attempt to swerve or mitigate her own virality. Something tells me that wouldn’t stop the speeding train from barrelling down the tracks. And thank God for that, really.
I was trying to rack my brain about stars like Johnson — stars who guarantee you a pull quote from just about any interview. Keke Palmer came to mind instantly. As did Alec Baldwin. But in truth, this particular instance is bigger than just the press tour, and instead expands to surround anything related to the film, including the film itself.
The perplexion began last November when the trailer dropped. Like “enough champagne to fill up the Nile” before it, a stand-out line from the trailer became an instant viral sensation. “He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died” became the waftiest of catnip online. (The line, it should be noted, does not appear in the film itself, but the uproarious laughter that filled the theater after Johnson’s delivery of the line “I hope the spiders were worth it, Mom” felt like an appropriate nod.
In December, we were treated to the first posters of the film. And a month later, in January, we were given our first look at Johnson’s Madame Web superhero suit from… a bottle of Ocean Spray, which in retrospect actually makes a lot of sense.
What followed was bonkers upon bonkers. (We also got this extremely Dakota headline around the same time: “Dakota Johnson insists on 14 HOURS of sleep a night, meditates TWICE a day, and drops everything to take a bath if she's stressed — no matter what time of day it is!”)
Jan 16: We get an usual Dakota Johnson promotional video for the film that feels both conversational yet also sinister and also… seductive? She begins the video by saying “so,” making you think you tuned in late. Then: “While my character in the movie may be able to see the future, I also can — and I know what the future brings. I know that when you see Madame Web, you’re gonna love it. In fact, I think you’re gonna see it twice.” It immediately caught the attention of many online with perplexing glee, as Johnson video appearances are wont to do.
Jan 19: Johnson told Entertainment Weekly that acting in front of a bluescreen felt “absolutely psychotic” and “I don’t know if this is going to be good at all!”
Jan 23: New promo art is released featuring Johnson in a Farrah Fawcett-esque wig, a wig that never appears in the film. The still features Johnson’s Cassandra Webb in her suit, her hand outstretched in a “stop” motion. “She looks like she's about to go into someone's BDSM dungeon [and] is practicing her safeword,” wrote one Redditor. “She looks like she's trying to stop me from going in to watch the movie, like a warning. Stop! Are you sure about this?" wrote another one.
Jan 27: Johnson appears on Saturday Night Live and during her opening monologue describes the film as “kind of like if AI generated your boyfriend’s perfect movie.”
Feb 7: Johnson is asked about the viral “He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders” line that appeared in the trailer. “Why did that go viral?” she earnestly asks. The interviewer attempts to explain that it relates to the context. “But isn’t any sentence out of context out of context?” came the response to the response that then, in true Johnsonian fashion, also went viral.
Feb 8: Johnson is on Late Night with Seth Meyers to promote the film and goes viral after being asked about her appearance in The Office series finale: “That was honestly the worst time of my life.”
Feb 9: An earthquake takes place mid-interview. “There will be an aftershock,” Johnson says with a conviction that makes you believe her character’s clairvoyance was passed from character to actor. In that same interview, Johnson is asked about her co-stars Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced and Celeste O'Connor: “The three of them really bonded. And then there was me.” That, too, goes viral.
Feb 13: Johnson appears in an interview with MTV and is asked if she can name the three Tom Holland Spider-Man movies. Her response: “Spider-Man: Here He Comes. Spider-Man: And He’s Back. The Goblet of Spider-Man? Harry, Spider-Man, and the Goblet of Man?” She also revealed that she'd only seen “4 percent of all the Marvel movies.” Both moments go viral!
Feb 15: “I don’t know when I’ll see it,” Johnson admits when asked if she’s seen the film. “Someday.” In another interview that same day, Johnson admits that she once did a lie detector test on camera (likely referencing her Vanity Fair one) “and I lied… and I passed.”
Feb 16: “Dakota definitely left me on read,” her co-star Celeste O’Connor admits. “Dakota doesn’t even reply to me,” Sydney Sweeney offers. “It’s been two years,” Isabela Merced adds.
The Los Angeles Times called the press tour “a tangled web of conspiracy theories and misconstrued quotes to create the narrative Johnson hated her own movie.” It’s true: The Internet responds like piranhas to actor apathy (see: Robert Pattinson) over a role, but I think that’s only one component to the unique appeal of Johnson. (I also, for what it’s worth, don’t think there’s enough evidence to prove that Dakota hates the film. If I had to guess, it’s that Dakota shot this film nearly two years ago and has moved on with her life.)
What are the others? I’m reminded, of course, of the virality of Johnson’s 2019 appearance on The Ellen Degeneres Show. “Actually, no, that’s not the truth, Ellen” and “ask everybody” are canonical phrases on corners of the Internet that I populate. There’s a mystifying quality about Johnson that makes innocuous phrases like “one second, cat” receive boisterous laughter from the audience. Her unyielding deadpan expression combined with a disposition that I’d describe as “first time on planet Earth” but with the conviction of a Gucci brand ambassador combined with her proclivity for social awkwardness make Johnson a kaleidoscope of intrigues.
There are those that laugh because they feel like they are in on the joke of Dakota, those laughing because they want to be in on the joke of Dakota despite not understanding the joke and then there are those who are intrigued by their own lack of understanding of something that’s seemingly so straight-forward.
The film technically bombed, earning just $17.6 million over the Presidents' Day holiday weekend. So much press for so little return on investment. Unless the investment is in Dakota Johnson, who somehow, despite leading the film to middling results at best, seems to have come away unscathed, if not more powerful than ever. “Johnson seems too real for the phoniness thrown at her, which is her own super power,” wrote the New York Times’s Manohla Dargis. Is Madame Web 2 going straight into production? Doubtful. But Johnson’s somehow (unsurprisingly) managed to star in the best film series not in theaters.
For those who come to this place for magic, Dakota Johnson remains spellbinding.